अख्तर के हँसगुल्ले

Santa- “Ab mai kisi ladki ke saamne shaadi ki
baat nahi rakhunga”
Banta- “Kyo… Kya phir kisi ne mana kar diya?”
Santa- “Nahi yaar, ek ladki ne sweekar kar liya hai”

 **************************

Pathan:aj humara jumaah ka namaz nikal gaya yara!!!
Dost:kese yara?
Patahn: Yara imam saab bola apne mobile band kar dena,mera ghar par tha.. 
Jab band kar ke Aya to jamat nikal gaya...

 **************************

Master- “Batao, gadhe aur manushya me kya fark hai?”
Vidhyarthi- “Manushya ko gadha kaha ja sakta hai,
parantu gadhe ko manushya nahi kaha ja sakta|”

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Sardar : O banno car ki speed itni kyon badha di?

Banno : Oji car ki break fail ho gayi hai, accident ho jaye iske pehle ghar pahunch jaate hain….!

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Ek Chote ladke ne apne adhyapak ko chunauti dete huye poocha- “Agar George Washington sachmuch ek imaandaar vyakti the, to unke janamdin par banko ko kyo band rakha jaata hai?”

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Pita- “Dekho beta, tum kabhi shaadi na karna,
yah baad me bahut badi musibat paida kar deti hai|”
Beta- “Haan pitaji, mai kabhi shaadi nahi
karunga aur yahi shiksha apne bete ko bhi dunga|”

Maa- “Rinku, tum bure bacho ke saath kyo khelte ho,
ache bacho ke saath kyo nahi khelte?”
Rinku- “Maa, un ache bacho ki maatao ne apne
bacho ko mere saath khelne se mana kar diya hai”

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Rabri : Ka karat ha hun?

Laalu : Ek dost ko chitthi likhat hiwa!

Rabri : Par tohra ke to likhe na aawa  hawa.
Laalu : To wuu sasura bhi to padhna nahi jaanat haawa.

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Master- “Rakesh, suna hai, tumhare ghar me naya baby aaya hai?”
Rakesh- “Ji, naya kyo kehte hai aap? Jab rota hai
to aisa lagta hai ki barso se rona seekhta raha hai

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husband: are munne ko samjhao ,zid kar raha hai ki gadhe per baithunga...
wife: to kya hua bachcha hi to hai,
zara si der ke liye bhitha kyun nahi lete..

************************** 

Adhyapak- “Kya tum kisi badi ladai ke baare me jaante ho?
Ramesh- “Ji haan, lekin baat yah hai ki mummy ne ghar ki baate baahar batane se mana kiya hai”

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Pahla Aadmy : Yaar maine apni girl friend ko gift dena hai, kya du?
Dusra aadmy : Gold ring de de.

Pahla Aadmy : nahi yaar koi badi si cheez bata.
Dusra aadmy : 16 chhakka wala Truck de de.

 **************************

Adhyapak- “Kya tum kisi badi ladai ke baare me jaante ho?
Ramesh- “Ji haan, lekin baat yah hai ki mummy ne ghar ki baate baahar batane se mana kiya hai”

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Putra- “Pitaji, mai nadi me aage jaaunga|”
Pita- “Nahi, doob jaaoge|”
Putra- “Nahi dooboonga, mujhe tairna aata hai|”
Pita- “Yadi doob gaya to ghar jaakar teri khoob pitai karunga|”

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Adhyapak- “Kya tum kisi badi ladai ke baare me jaante ho?
Ramesh- “Ji haan, lekin baat yah hai ki mummy ne ghar ki baate baahar batane se mana kiya hai”

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A donkey kicked sardar & ran away, sardar ran to catch the donkey.

He saw a zebra and started beating it and said, 

‘Sala tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai’.

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Ek Pagal (hath mai cigarette chhupa ka) - batao mere hath mai kia hai?
Dusara pagal - rail gadi !
Pahla - Tumhe kaise pata chala?.
Dusra - Maine dhuwan niklte dekha !!

************************** 

Jigyasu bache ne poocha- “Mummy, aap papa ko kaha mili?”
Maa- “Ek picnic me”
Bacha- “Kya mai aapke saath tha?”
Maa- ‘Nahi, jab gayi thi to tum nahi the,
lekin jab mai lauti to tum saath aaye the

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Ek baar ek aadmi ne badi tapasya ki. Shivji khush hue… Prakat hue… Bole…

Puttar maang maang… kya chahiye tujhey !

Bakth utha … bola shivji mujhey to aap sirf ek guitar de do!

Shivji bole kaisa gadha hai? Unhone kaha puttar tuney badi achchi tapsya ki hai. kuch bada maang!

Wo fir bola nahi ji mujhey to aap guitar hi do!

Shivji ne phir samajhaya abey kuch dhang ka maang!

Par wo bola, nahi aap to mujhey guitar hi do!

Shivji uskey pao main gir gaye bole yaar tu kuch aur maang. guitar na maang…

Wo bola nai nai nai !! mujhey sirf guitar hi chahiye.

Ab Shivji gussey main aa gaye ..bole , abey agar guitar mere paas hota to main ye damaru kyo bajata phirta???

************************** 

Bus Driver Ramu ko apni seat par baitha dekhkar
bola- “Are, utho shaitaan, meri seat par kyo baitha hai?”
Ramu- “Driver uncle, mai sabse pehle aaya tha”

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Ek Pagal Khat Likh Raha Tha,
Dr. ne Poucha Kis Ko Likh Rahe Ho ?
Pagal: Khud Ko.
Dr: Kya Likha Hai ?
Pagal: Mujhe Kya Pata !
Abhi Mujhe Mila Thorri Hai

 **************************

Maa- “Itne dino se tum apne premi ke saath ghoom
rahi ho, vah shaadi ke liye kuch nahi bolta,
aakhir vah chahta kya hai?”
Beti- “Pata nahi maa, jyada samay vah mujhe
andhere me hi rakhta hai”

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Fakeer:-
1 Rupia dede Baba
Aadmi:-
Sharam Nai Ati itnay hattay kattay khubsurat nojawan ho k bheek mangtay ho
fakeer:-
Acha pher apni behan ka rishta day de.

 **************************

Nanhi bachi- “Dadiji, kya aap acting bhi karti hai?”
Dadi- “Nahi to, lekin kyo?”
Bachi- “Subah maa pitaji se kah rahi thi ki yadi aap yaha rahi to drama to jaroor hoga”

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Ek pathan Cycle chalate aur gungunate howe kahin ja raha tha rastae mein ek aurat se takra betha.

Aurat chilla kar boli, “Break nahi maar sakte they kya ???”

Pathan herat se… “Pora cycle mar deya abhi break mar kar kia faida.”

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Santa ne shampoo kharida.
Santa- iske sath jo gift hai do.
Shopkeeper- iske sath gift nahi hai.
Santa- saale jhute, ispe likha hai "Dandruff Free"

 **************************

Master- “Rinku, kya kar rahe ho? Padh rahe ho kya?”
Rinku- “Ji nahi Shrimaan, mai apki baat sun raha hu”

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Train mein TT Sadhu se bola : Kahan jana hai?
Sadhu : Jahan Ram ka janam hua tha.
TT : Ticket hai?

Sadhu : Nahin
TT : Chalo
Sadhu : Kahan?
TT : Jahan Krishan ka janam hua tha.. Jail mein

************************** 

Seeta- “Behan, bartan saaf karne ke liye sabse
achi kaun-si cheej hai?”
Geeta- “Maine bartan saaf karne ke liye bahut-si
cheeje istmaal ki, par pati se acha kisi ko nahi paya”

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Larki ke Gaal Pe Gulab maarne par Responses
English Girl:you are too Naughty sweet heart!
Urdu Girl: Nahin karo na!
Punjabi Girl: Lakh laanat begairta.

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Ek Maa boli- “Galiyo me khel-khelkar bache
kitne gande ho jaate hai”
Doosri Maa- “Haan, behanji Ab dekho na,
das bacho ke muh dhone pade, tab kahi
jaakar mai apne guddu ko pehchaan payi,,

************************** 

Nepolian ek Sardarji ko bade garv se kehata hai : Mere dictionary mein impossible word hi nahi hai.

Sardarji bolata hai : To pahele hi acchi tarah se dekh lene ka na sab word hai ke nahi, aage se word rahenge wohi dictionary le.

 **************************

Bachi ko jor-jor se roti dekhkar maa ne poocha- “kyo roti ho?”
Bachi- “Bhaiya ne meri gudiya tod di”
Maa- “Kaise? Kaise tod di?”
Bachi- “Maine gudiya uske sir par maari thi?”

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Santa ka Padosi Mar Gaya.
Wo Uske Ghar gaya or pucha- Body aa gai kya?
Tabhi Body lekar Ambulance aa gayi.
Santa-Lo Batao, kitni Lambi umar hai.

 **************************

1 Ghar mein TWINS paida huwe to saas ne kaha: mubarik ho! bhala bataao.. 
hmare pakistan k halat deikh kar bache bhi dunia mein akele ane se darte hain.

**************************

Mohan: Ladkiya sharab se itni nafrat kyun karti hai?

Sohan: Kyun ki isko pine ke baad unke 

chue jaise pati shero jaise bartab karne lagte hai!!!

 **************************

NewZealand me 1
Bacha peda hua hy
Pedaish k wkt
uska wght 80kg tha jo bhurta gya or 15 din bad 280kg ho gya
herat angez Magr sach hy
Q k
Bacha Hathi ka tha.

**************************

Dhobi Ne 1 admi Ki Chaddi Tiek Se Nahi Dhoyi,
Aadmi Ne Chitthi Likh Ke Bheji
"KAPDE THHEEK SE DHOYA KARO"
Dhobi Ne Jawab Likh Ke Bheja 
"CHUTTAR THEEK SE DHOYA KARO"

 **************************

Ek admi dosre se: bhia ye larki kia hoti hai?
dusra:" pata nahi yar main to khud peshawar main rahta haon".

**************************

Krish: Doctor ne mujhe kaha tha ki wo do hapte mein mujhe pairo par khada kar dega!

Jack: Accha kya who aisa kar paya?
Krish: Ha uska bill chukane ke liye mujhe apni car jo bechni padi

 **************************

1 Aurat ne ishara krke taiz a rhi bus ko roka.
Driver: Kaha jana hai?
Aurat: Jana to kahin nhi hai..
Bacha ro raha hai.
Zara bus ka horn poo-poo baja do..

**************************

1 Aurat ne ishara krke taiz a rhi bus ko roka.
Driver: Kaha jana hai?
Aurat: Jana to kahin nhi hai..
Bacha ro raha hai.
Zara bus ka horn poo-poo baja do..

**************************

Dr:- Motape ka 1 hi Elaaj Hai.
Tum Daily Sirf 2 Rotiya Khaya Karo.
GOLU:- 2 Rotiya khana khane se pehle ya Khane ke baad.

************************** 

Nayi(new) doctor ne apni life ka pehla operation kiya! Operation ki thodi der baad hi marij mar gaya!

Marij ke marne ke baad doctor ne diwar par tangi bhagwan ki taswir ki ore haath jodkar sir jhukate hue puri shradha ke saath kaha: Hey prabhu meri ore se yeh pehli bhet swikar kijiye!

************************** 

Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?
Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or wife Be-Gum ho jaat hai.

**************************

Teacher: Tumhare father kia karte hain?
Student: HBFC k malik hain.
Teacher: O Nice, acha ye HBFC ka matlab kia hai?
Student: Hafiz Burger & Fruit Chaat

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Santa- Pravachan sune ke bad ghar aya or biwi ko god mein utha lia.
Biwi: kya guruji ne romance karne ko kahan hai.
Santa:Nahi re pagli kaha apne dukh khud uthao.

 **************************

Employee:
Boss aap shadi shuda mardon ko hi noukri q daitay hain????????
Boss:Q kay unhain pehlay hi say Gaalian khanay ki aadat hoti hai………….

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Sadham meets kajol n asks her ” how is ur life ?” 

kajol says ” Kabie khushi kabie gham!” n kajol asks Sadham ” how about u? ” n he says ” kabie BUSH kabie BOMB”!!!!!!!

************************** 

Garmi me Bus Stop pe Log bus Ke intizaar me khade the,
1 Faqir aaya, Sub se Bheek mangi aur
Taxi me baith kar chala gaya...!!

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2 choohay darakht pe bethy thy nechy se ek haathi guzra
ek chooha hathi py ja gira...!!!
dusra chooha bola,
daba k rakh saalay ko, mein bhi aata hoon..

**************************

Khush to bahut honge ki hamara sms aa gya ,

par hum bhi bahut chalaak hain humne likha kuch bhi nahin hai.

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1 ladka ne 1 ladki ko kamal ka phool diya to ladki ne jordar tamacha mari.
Ladka: kyun mari main to BJP ka parchar kar raha tha.
Ladki: aur main CONGRESS ka.

************************** 

Patni- shadi se pahle aap roj gift dete they,par ab nahi dete,kyu? Pati: kabhi tumne machuware ko machli pakadne ke baad usey dana dalte dekha hai kya?

**************************

Chaahta hu tujhe pyaar du,
Dost pe apni jindagee waar du,
Jab tera message nahi milata to,
Man karta hai teri jaan nikaal du.

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Sharabi-AAJ Tab tak piyenge, jab tak wo saamne wala 3
ped(tree) 6 nahi
dikhne lage.
Manager-saalon bas karo
saamne pehle se hi 1 ped hai !!

************************** 

Munna-apun ka desh kaun chalata hai? 

Circuit-bhai simple hai...apna SMS. Munna-kya fekta hai?

Circuit-bhai sms bole to ....SARDAR MANMOHAN SINGH...

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Chaand ko akele me sharm aati hogi,
Baat kuchh tumhaare bhi samajh me aati hogi,
Jab bhi jikra hota hai smart dosto ka,
Tumhe meri yaad bahut aati hogi

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BE-IZZATIIII...!!!
Maths teacher: jab mai tumhare jitna bada tha, mere maths mein 100 marks aate the.
Student: Sir, aapko koi acha teacher padhata hoga.**************************

Santa rikshawale se : Are o bhai khali ho kya
Rikshawala: Haan bilkul khali hoon 
santa: Aao Chalo Phir Taash khelte hain..

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DO MACHHER BIKE PAR JA RAHE THE...

RASTE ME HATHI NE LIFT MANGI TO

MACHHER NE KAHA SOCH LE FIR TERI MAA

KAHEGI KI LOAFERON KE SATH GHOOMta RAHTA HAI

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Santa: Yaar ab tu mujhe SMS kyu nhi krta?
Banta: Petrol mehnga ho gya hy.
Santa: Petrol & SMS?
Banta: Easy load karvane k lye ghar se 10 km
Dur bike pr jana prta hy.

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1980:-bhai saab engineer sahab ka ghar konsa hai?
wo jobada bangala hai wo
2014-xcuse me yaha enginir sahab ka ghar konsa hai?
abey kisi b ghar me ghus ja

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SANTA :- BABA MUJHE KOI AISA KAAM BATAO JAHAN MUJHE KUCHH NA KARNA PADE, LOG KAREN AUR MUJHE PAISE MILE.
BABA :-J A BETA. "SULABH SHOUCHALAY" KHOL DE.

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Beta: Papa ye SMS kise kahte hai or Ye kiske kaam aata hai?
Papa: Beta Ye VIP Log bhejte hai
or KANJOOS Logo ke padhne ke kaam aata hai.

**************************

pathan ek ladki ko purpose karta hai

Girl - Lekin mein tumse Umer mein 1 saal badi hoon..!
Pathan - Oye baaji fikar kyun karta hai,
Hum tumse agle saal shaadi karlega..!

Santa ki 10 betiyan thi phir ja
kar uske ghar 1 beta paida hua.
Santa ne uska naam kya rakha
hoga?
.
.
.
.
MUSHKIL SINGH.

**************************

Santa ki 10 betiyan thi phir ja
kar uske ghar 1 beta paida hua.
Santa ne uska naam kya rakha
hoga?
.
.
.
.
MUSHKIL SINGH.

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Master G ne ek Bache Ka Lunch Kha Gaya.
Master G:- Beta Ghar Ja Kar Mera Naam To Nahi Bataogy?
Bacha:- masumiyat sy: Master G Main Ammi Sy Kahun Ga 
Ke Meri Roti Kutta Kha Gaya.

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Miss - Aaj Tum Late kyon Aaye?
School 7 baje Shuru Hota Hai Fir der kyon Ki?
Bachcha - Miss,Aap Meri Itni Fikar Mat Kiya Karo Log Galat Samajhte Hai.!

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santa ki beti "LAADO" Bacpan se japan me thi Wo india aai par airport se return ho gayi Kyon ki waha bord laga tha "NA AANA IS DESH MERI LADO

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Ladki - teri yaad me neend udti hai, chain khota hai kuch kuch hota hai,
Ladka - doctor ko dikha lo swine flu aise hi hota hai,

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Pati-Malum Hota Hai Ki Daraaz Me Koi Khane Ki Chiz Hai..
Patni-Aap Ne Bilkul Sahi Andaza Lagaya Is Me Mere Sendal Hai.

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Sante ki Biwi bhaag gayi.
3 din baad wapis aaye
santa gusse se bola
"Ab kya lene aayee hai.
Biwi - "Mobile ka charger".

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"Police Afsar PATHAN se:
Tumhari matr bhasa kon si hai?
PATHAN: Koi nahi..
Police Afsar: Kyun?
PATHAN: Meri ammi goongi thi..

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santa was playing Chess with his Dog!
Friend: Aray wahhh! tera kutta to buhat intelligent hai....
santa: kiya khaak intelligent hai, 
5 me sey 3 to mai jeeta hun...

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Seeta- “Behan, bartan saaf karne ke liye sabse
achi kaun-si cheej hai?”
Geeta- “Maine bartan saaf karne ke liye bahut-si
cheeje istmaal ki, par pati se acha kisi ko nahi paya”

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boss:pichle 6 mahino mein tumne kitni chhutiya li hai.kabhi bimari,to kabhi honeymoon,bacheki bimari.ab kya hai?
karamchari:kal meri shaadi hai.

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MASTER:Kanjoos bole to koun
STUDENT:kanjos use kahte jise chahe jitna v 'sms' karen uska 'reply' jo na kare wo.
MASTER:Uski ek example do
STUDENT: Aapki ki Beti

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Santa: Yaar aaj to 1 Rs. me 3 amrood mil gaye.
Banta: Wo kaise?
Santa: 1 Rs. ka 1 usne diya, 1 mai utha ke bhag gaya, or 1 usne muje fek ke mara.

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1 Aurat ne ishara krke taiz a rhi bus ko roka.
Driver: Kaha jana hai?
Aurat: Jana to kahin nhi hai..
Bacha ro raha hai.
Zara bus ka horn poo-poo baja do..

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Happy Sing: Ghar mai Mera he Hukam chalta h
Mai Kehta hon, Garam paani, woh le ati hai,
Dost: Garam pani kuon?
Happy: Usse Bartan Achay Dhultay hai

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Sadhu:
we go years
without verbal communication..
we call it 'MAUNVRAT'...!! **************************

Man:
we have
the same experience,
but we call it 'MARRIAGE'...!!

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Santa:-Train me yaar raat bhar neend nhi aayi upar ki seat mili thi.
Banta:-To seat xchange kar leta.
Santa:-Kisse karta niche ki seat pe koi tha hi nhi!:

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Pathan raat ko cycle le ke qabristan main ghus gaya.
Phir dusri side se bahar nikla aur 
paseena ponchhty huwy bola:
Yaar, pata nahi ye konsa road tha? 
saala khali gadhde aur  uchche hi the.

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Rat Ko 2 Sharabiyon Ne Talaab me Chand Ki Parchhayi Dekhi.
1st- Ye Kya Hai?
2nd-Abe Ye Chand Hai.
1st-Sale jaldi Ghar Chal, Hum Mazak Mazak Me Chand Par Pahuch Gaye

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8 yrs boy

Ladka - "1 bidi ka bundle dena."
Dukandar - "Kya re iss Umar me hi Bidi pine laga."
Boy - "Nahi Ye mere Chote Bhai ke liye hai, Mujhe 1 Packet Willes flake cigrete dedo."

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Friend (Santa) se: Me Tennis k barey me Tum sy Ziada Janta hun.
Santa: Acha te aey duss k Tennis de Net wich kinnay Moray honday ne.,

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